|Taken in my new back yard|
Now don't worry...I'm not here to promote another song today. I know I've been doing that a lot lately. No excuses...promise...except these two: I've been really busy packing/moving/unpacking and I've had nothing to say. Not really. Just a bunch of "not very methodical", boring, blegh stuff. So I decided to keep it to myself. I just wasn't doing so great. Not bad...but not great.
I'll tell you what though. It's coming back. I can FEEL it (feel being the key word here). You know...THAT feeling. The one where you have a sense of well being, general happiness despite life circumstances, and joy in spite of yourself. You know....when you can actually FEEL things.
I've been asking myself, "why"? "Why now?" "Why when my world has just turned upside down again (in more ways that one)am I feeling better?"
Well...I have my theories.
Eleven months ago I started this blog because I felt drawn to do so. It was the "good feelings" talking. I was so happy then...had just come out of a long, dark, depressive slumber (with the aid of anti-depressants and methylfolate.)
"For now I feel good. I feel really good. I can't remember the last time I walked around day after day with a great sense of well being and happiness. True happiness. It's amazes me. I'm still in awe." (Timeline of Discovery and Recover-Through Hell and Back (more than once), June 2011.)And then...like any medicated person who then, pridefully, decides that they are no longer in need of their "feel good" medications because they are feeling just SO DARN GOOD.....I went off my anti-depressants...as you know. (see Timeline of Discovery and Recovery-Through Hell and Back (more than once), Aug 2011-Nov 2011 for more details)
Bad idea! Let me repeat....BAD IDEA!
In November of last year I came to my senses (partially) and went back on anti's (partially) which is where I've been residing since. Until about three weeks ago.
You see, when I made the decision to go back on anti depressants, I chose to take only half of what I had been taking before.
Well...starting in February, right about the time my husband was interviewing for his new job, I had a feeling that maybe I should up my anti-depressant dosage again. Go back to the cocktail of medications I had been on last spring when I felt SO GOOD! But I ignored it. The thought came over and over into my head. Each time I dismissed it with excuses, "I'm just being melodramatic", "I'll wait for spring to come and THEN see where I am." "I don't need them." "I'm fine. I'm not great but I'm fine.", etc.
That was until THAT night. The night my world came crashing down...again.
And then I knew. I knew I should have listened to those thoughts. I wished, with all my heart, I would have listened to those thoughts. But I didn't. And I was stuck.
I didn't want to "run to them" now. I didn't want to be one of those poor souls who don't feel like they can cope with life so they drown themselves in alcohol, drugs, etc. (passing no judgement here, of course...not my place).
I expressed this to my sister who helped me to see that maybe those thoughts were not just thoughts. Maybe they didn't come from me. Maybe they were promptings from the Holy Spirit that were warning me of things to come. Tender mercies from a loving Father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ to prepare me for what they knew was up ahead.
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, I knew they were true. I knew it because I felt it.
So, the next day, with only a little reluctance (darn my pride)...I started taking the higher dose of anti's.
And I'm so glad I did.
No...life in not perfect and stress free. Hardship has not disappeared.
I'm still dealing with the physical and emotional aftermath of a major move (to the middle of nowhere, remember). We are all still adjusting. Some days are better than others.
The shrapnel from the "bombshell" that has changed my life forever (again) has not disappeared...and probably never will completely.
But there is HOPE in the air and I feel better equipped to handle what has been given to me.
The fog has lifted and the sun is shinning bright.
Spring? Maybe. Medication? Maybe. A firm knowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and sent his Only Begotten son Jesus Christ to succor me, lift me up, and strengthen me? Definitely.
Or, most likely, a combination of all three.
For now I'm just glad to be happy, feeling, and writing again.
Here's that awesome song if you wanna listen!