Crisp morning air. Rhythmic foot falls. Alone time. Good tunes.
Yeah...I had a good morning run.
Not much of that has been going on in the last 9 months. I have really missed it.
I was determined to get out today, back/hip injury or not. And so I did.
As my mind cleared from "the morning fog", and wandered past "Why do I do this?", it habitually settled on things of a spiritual nature (oh how I've missed my morning run).
I was filled with a reminder of my many blessings.
To name a few...
A husband, who selflessly gives up his morning off to make breakfast and get the kids ready for school, so I could get out and do something for myself.
A body which, despite frustration over above mentioned injury, and an even deeper frustration over an extra 10 lbs, has the ability to get me where I want to go and is strong enough to endure a 5 mile run at the drop of a hat.
A mind and spirit filled with a determination to keep pushing and not give up.
Family and close friends who love me, support me, and pray for me.
And you guys.
After my last post I received an outpouring of love, HOPE, and encouragement from many of you. Every comment and e-mail (I'm sorry I have not been very good about writing back), every kind word has lifted me up and given me the strength to keep going. Thank you.
These thoughts filled me with all sorts of warm fuzzies as I continued on my run.
Thank you for being a part of my life.
I am truly blessed.
Linked up on...
February 11, 2012
as defined by Wikipedia:
In sociology the term superwoman has been used to describe a Western woman who works hard to manage multiple roles of a worker, a homemaker, a volunteer, a student etc....The term derived a number of expressions, such as superwoman syndrome, superwoman squeeze (a pressure on a superwoman to perform well in her multiple roles), and superwoman complex (an expectation of a superwoman that she can and should do everything). The notion of "superwoman" differs from that of "career woman" in that the latter one commonly includes sacrifice of the family life in favor of career, while a superwoman strives to excel in both.Sound familiar?
You know the Lord said that He wouldn't give us more than we can handle? Right? Well...he doesn't have to. We do a pretty good job of doing it to ourselves. And unfortunately, as in the case with me, when we try so hard to be "Super" in the eyes of the world, we often lose sight of Him and His purposes.
I don't know exactly HOW it happened....although I have a pretty good idea. It really doesn't matter today....just that is has happened is enough.
I've become blind to Him...out of contact...out of touch, and my heart is heavy because of it.
It makes me want to crawl into a deep dark hole....leave the world and it's over achieving ridiculousness behind....and nurse my poor battered soul.
And I'm going to try....I have to try.
Such a far cry from where I was just a year ago.
The Darkness had vanished. My soul was soaring, my faith renewed. HOPE was bursting out of me and I was ready to do His will. That's ALL I wanted to do. I had a sense of purpose...a sense of direction....and felt so close to my Father in Heaven and His Son Jesus Christ.
This fall my emotions teetered...and I lost focus. I went in search of balance...and put my efforts in the wrong place.
And now I've lost it all. I can't even talk to Him. Not that I don't want to. I just never seem to have anything to say. I'm empty inside and I feel alone. Not because He has left me alone...He NEVER leaves us alone...but because I feel I've abandoned Him.
Last night, well actually early this morning (my poor sleep deprived husband), I had a break down. I cried. A lot.
It's hard to admit just how far I've fallen. And that I let it happen.
I'm down....really down....okay, depressed....AGAIN! (there, I said it)
I've been trying to hide it. When my husband asked "why?" I answered honestly, "because I don't want people to worry about me again....I just can't go back there."
And I hope I don't have to...
I know what I need to do.
I really do need to climb into a deep dark hole and nurse my wounded soul. There are just so many distractions "out here". Spiritual Kryptonite, if you will. It zaps away all my energy. I need to give up all the things that are taking me, my time, and my focus away from God and this little band of XY's he has given me stewardship over.
I'm not saying all distractions are bad. Some of them are good, positive, worthy things. But maybe now is not the time for them. Not if engaging in them is leaving me feeling empty inside.
So why is it so hard to let go? I have a few ideas. But that's a discussion for another time.
I'm on the path, though. I hope. For starters, I've announced a furlough from my other-other blog. Just for a while. The pressure to "perform" there is just too great. And the amount of time networking and marketing is ridiculous ye necessary. It's suffocating. I just can't do it right now.
I honestly don't know what will happen to MMUW. It's different here. I've always felt like God is IN this work....not taking me away from Him. I feel good when I'm here. So many of you have become my friends. I don't feel pressure....I just write when I'm "feeling" it and don't when I'm not (which is why there has not been much here lately). I'm sure it will continue that way.
I may have to check out of facebook (again) and give up Pinterest (gasp).
We'll just have to wait and see. I'm getting ahead of myself here. One thing at a time.
P.S. I love to hear from you!
Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com